Catalogue of Chicks

Welcome to the Catalog of Chicks — a place where you can meet everyday women and read about their extraordinary acts of bravery and courage. We hope you are inspired by their stories — we certainly are!

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<<Previous Chick Next Chick>>Lisa Bonchek Adams
Darien, CT
Submitted by: Clarke AdamsFEATURED BRAVE CHICK - JUL Y 2009
LISA BONCHEK ADAMS - Darien, CT

“The bravest sight in the world is to see a great man (or woman) struggling against adversity.”
- Seneca

“Let us do our duty, in our shop in our kitchen, in the market, the street, the office, the school, the home, just as faithfully as if we stood in the front rank of some great battle, and knew that victory for mankind depends on our bravery, strength, and skill. When we do that, the humblest of us will be serving in that great army which achieves the welfare of the world”
- William Makepeace Thackeray

Lisa & Clarke Adams

My wife Lisa and I met for the very first time at the George Foreman / Evander Holyfield fight in the spring of 1991 when, in a scene straight out of Rocky, a forty-two year old Foreman went the distance with the undefeated Holyfield. We met again at a Halloween party later that year and began dating. We got engaged in 1995 and married in the summer of the 1997. Over the course of our 18 years together and in particular the last three, it has become clear to me that my wife possesses more than her share of courage.

As with any 18 year period we have had our ups and downs together but mostly it has been up. We have three beautiful and intelligent children, loving and supportive families and great friends. In the grand scheme of things, our life together was pretty smooth which is why I think we were . completely unprepared for what the last three years have brought us. In August of 2006 we learned that our five month old baby boy was born with a condition that required immediate open heart surgery. He also had complex problems with his cervical vertebrae and the muscles of his hands that would require a significant ongoing investment of time and energy in medical care and therapy.

The Adams Family

Since Lisa is at home with the kids when I'm at work, the day-to-day heavy lifting of running the house and managing the often crazy logistics of our lives naturally falls to her. In addition, because she is the medically savvy one in our family (her father is a surgeon and her mother is a psychologist), Lisa ended up quarterbacking and supervising Tristan’s care which included (and still does include to some extent) coordinating treatment with four or five different specialists (neurologists, pulmonary specialists, pediatric cardiothoracic and orthopedic surgeons, etc.) in three different cities. Juggling all of those competing priorities was extremely challenging and time-consuming. It seemed like fate was piling on hardship in January of 2007 when Lisa was diagnosed with Stage II breast cancer.

Lisa spent much of 2007 aggressively treating her cancer with a double mastectomy and chemotherapy. I’m sure many women who read your website are acquainted with the harsh reality of how tough a cancer treatment regimen can be on one’s body and, just as importantly, one’s psyche. I must confess that I wasn’t really prepared for what was to follow. Like many things, cancer treatment seems much simpler in the abstract or on television than in the messy reality of real life. It is a process where you are forced to make life-changing and often heartbreaking decisions while in possession of only limited information all the while dealing with the physical, mental, and emotional side effects of disease itself and the treatment. If adversity is the test by which character is revealed then I’m proud to say that my bride has passed her personal test with flying colors.

At least by the romanticized ideals of literature or history you don’t get to see real bravery very often when you live in Darien, Connecticut (braving the long lines at the local Starbucks doesn’t really count). However, there was something quietly heroic in how Lisa handled the myriad of issues she was dealing with in a thoughtful and calm (with some exceptions) manner all the while taking care of the thousand little details that go along with being a mom to a young family. No matter how much personal pain she was in, the kids' lunches got made, their homework got done, their boo-boos got kissed, and their very real fears addressed and soothed even on the very worst days. Tending to young kids isn’t easy on your best day but being able to do so and face the world in the midst of cancer and chemo and all that implies is something else altogether.

Looking back, the amazing thing to me is how little impact the whole period had on our children; that speaks to how much of her energy and force of will Lisa put into ensuring that that was the case. We had lots of help from our families and our amazing group of friends, but at the center was Lisa getting up each day and doing her best to move forward with grace and determination (kind of like a 42 year-old George Foreman coming out of his corner, taking his licks and getting in some good shots of his own). In my book, that is all any of us can really expect of ourselves and defines what bravery is all about. When my test comes, I hope I do as well and face up to it with as much strength as Lisa did.

A friend whose wife had just gone through the breast cancer experience told me when I learned about Lisa’s diagnosis “the thing about breast cancer (pardon another tortured sports metaphor) is that you never get to spike the ball in the end zone and say you are done. There is always something else.” I thought I understood what he was saying at the time, but I appreciate it much more now. Although chemo ended in the summer of 2007 and her breast reconstruction finished shortly thereafter, Lisa has been dealing with the often frustrating regimen of drugs and side effects that come along with being a cancer survivor. While things are certainly better than they were, it has been a constant challenge and adjustment for both of us.

As I said earlier, one of the most difficult things about having cancer, even a cancer that is as common and well known as breast cancer, is that you really don’t have any idea what is ahead of you as either a patient or a spouse when you begin the process. There are reams of data and academic studies available but despite that fact, it is difficult to distill and digest all of that into a coherent picture as to what you as an individual (or the spouse of one) will experience.

As part of her life as a cancer survivor, Lisa has taken it upon herself to make understanding the long road of treatment, recovery, and being your own best advocate a little easier for women who will face the same challenges she did. She spends hours and hours speaking to women in our community who are just beginning the process about what she has been through in the hopes it will help them be prepared. As an extension of those conversations she began writing (and later blogging) about her experiences and feelings about cancer and posting them on the web. She sometimes writes clinically about the nitty-gritty medical realities of treatment and recovery which are based on her personal experiences, extensive research of the available medical literature, and her own conversations with her doctors.

Other times she examines the darker, emotional, frustrating, and deeply personal places that being a cancer survivor can sometimes bring you as young woman and a young mom. Her writing is often beautiful and poetic and is always thoughtful and enlightening. She puts it all "out there" for public scrutiny. She posts regularly under her own name to help her fellow women (our moms and sisters and daughters) understand and deal with a path that all too many of them will walk down at some point in their lives. I believe this is noble and selfless and courageous.

So as a very small and modest way of acknowledging her daily efforts and recognizing her achievements, I would like to nominate Lisa Adams (age 39), loving wife, wonderful mother, caring friend, talented writer, and strong cancer survivor to be a featured brave chick. I would invite those members of your community who are interested to check out her writing at www.lisabonchekadams.com.

Thanks for your time and dedication to Brave Chicks everywhere.
- Clarke Adams

We are proud to present you with one of Lisa's essays. This essay is especially meaningful as we celebrate the Fourth of July. We invite you to visit Lisa's website at www.lisabonchekadams.com to read more of her inspirational words.

CHANCE OR CHOICE: A Question of Bravery
(written May 25, 2009)

I think it’s fitting that on Memorial Day I talk about bravery. I use today’s column to intellectually wrestle with a question I’ve had since I received a letter from a group of Marines last month.

My college friend Jennifer had put supply packages together for military personnel and posted a last minute plea for messages to include in the boxes. She made her plea in her status update on Facebook. I quickly sent her a note to include. Having just finished the PBS series “Carrier” I had a new admiration for our men and women in uniform.

I don’t remember my exact words, but I know the theme. I told them that I’d had cancer. That people had called me “brave.” That in fact I didn’t deserve it. “Brave” was not a word you used about someone like me. I hadn’t done anything brave. I had gotten cancer by chance. And I dealt with it. The best I could.

But soldiers? They are brave. Why? They have a choice. They put their lives on the line by making a conscious decision to do so. They know the danger and they do it. To me, that is true bravery, true heroism.

It was obvious to me. But I told them my ideas, my philosophy. I wanted them to know that I got called brave but I didn’t deserve it. They were truly the brave ones. It felt good to say it. To confess it. I had been called a word I hadn’t earned. It was a sham. I was a fake, a con.

The note wasn’t long, a few paragraphs. But it felt nice to tell at least a few servicepeople what I felt.

A month later Jennifer emailed me that she had a letter back from a group of the Marines. She needed my address so she could send it to me. I was so excited to see what they said, and that they had taken the time to write to me directly. I sat in my car at the mailbox and read the letter. I didn’t even want to wait to get to the house to see what they’d written. How often do we get “real” letters, addressed to us by name that deal with the real emotions of modern life? I devoured it, hungry for the words that would explain their mysterious motivation to me.

I’d like to include the text of the letter here… to honor them on this day, and the time they took to write to me. To remind everyone that these folks are out there away from their loved ones for us. It’s their selfless nature of their sacrifice I love the most. I also include it for every cancer patient to get a boost.

Lisa Bonchek Adams—

You are an inspiration to all of us here. For you to even put us in the same category as someone like yourself is an honor. As Marines, whatever our reason, we volunteered to be here. For you, Lisa, cancer volunteered you. How are you doing and are you still undergoing treatment?

We all here in the Quality Assurance Office want to say thank you so much for your support and dedication to our country. We understand that it’s been a long war and very easy to forget and slide it to the bottom of the pile. We truly thank you and the people like you who still care.

From myself, Gunnery Sergeant Nelson, SSgt Robinson, SSgt Snow, Sgt Goff and Lcpl Nancy Delcid, Thank you and good (sic) speed with your treatment.

We are in need of very little, but a letter now and again with your progress would be nice.

Take care Lisa,
VMFA-314, QA

I totally disagree with them, by the way. Seeing danger, and making the choice to proceed anyway is precisely how I define bravery. I find it interesting that these particular Marines look at it the opposite way. The group who wrote to me might be unique, but likely not. The sociologist in me wonders if this is part of how military folks manage their fear. They say they are not brave. They are just doing a job. In that way, what they do is ordinary.

We all find ways to deal with the fear of death. We know the uncertainty that lies ahead. We see the bravery in others before we will see it in ourselves.

What underlies bravery: chance or choice? In my opinion it was one; in their view, the other. Can both? Or are we just hesitant to see the quality in ourselves? Are we just modest? Or do we just act the way we need to, to get the job done?

I think when you choose to throw your hat in the ring, that choice counts for something. That makes you brave. That’s what makes soldiers heroes.

Happy Memorial Day to the real heroes. <<Previous Chick Next Chick>>